Harriet Jones. MP for Flydale North.

No preamble this time. Except for this tiny one explaining about the lack of preamble. Onward!

Series/Episode: 1/4
Title: Aliens of London
Writer: Russell T. Davies

The Tardis appears in Rose's hometown/time.
She's only been gone about twelve hours modern Earth time.
Rose runs off to see her mom. Wandering around, the Doctor suddenly makes a vital discovery.
When Rose's mom sees her, she drops her coffee mug. I'm beginning to doubt Rose has only been gone for twelve hours.
Stacks of missing persons fliers are stacked on Jackie's table.
The Doctor barges in and reveals that he made a mistake. Rose has been gone twelve months.
Titles!
A little boy has graffiti-ed "Bad Wolf" on the side of the Tardis. I'm thinking this is a reference to Gwyneth mentioning the Big Bad Wolf in the last episode. Or it's just a cool thing to graffiti.
Jackie is ranting about how she's been left alone while Rose was off "traveling." That's really the best story Rose could come up with?
"I meant to phone, I really did. I just...forgot." What about when she called from the year five billion? When does that fit into Jackie's timeline?
"Actually, it's my fault. I sort of employed Rose as my companion." I doubt this is going to reassure anyone.
"When you say companion, is this a sexual relationship?" "Friend" or "time traveling buddy" might have been more clear. Maybe not time traveling buddy, actually.
Jackie questions the validity of the Doctor's claims of being a real doctor. This brings up a good point. Does he have some kind of Gallifreyan degree? Can he provide medical assistance or perform surgery?
She also slaps him in the face.
In all honesty, this must be really difficult for Jackie.
When I watched this with my friend Annie, she asked me why they couldn't just try again and go back to when twelve hours would have passed. I think it's because now that they arrived a year later, them arriving a year later will always happen. Even if they came back at the appropriate time, a Doctor and a Rose would still show up in a year's time. Like they can't erase themselves, now that it's happened, and these events are locked in. Or something like that. I find it's best not to think about it.
Up on a rooftop, Rose and the Doctor discuss her plans: whether she should stay with Jackie or continue to travel.
It is revealed that the Doctor is nine hundred years old. He looks good for his age. When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not, hm?
You know, I forget about this because David Tennant erases all thoughts of other people's looks from my mind, but Christopher Eccleston is kind of handsome. In a big-eared, distinguished, James Bond-y kind of way.
Just as Rose is pondering how she is the only person on Earth (and all the UNIT people, and Mickey, and previous companions, and Clive...well, Clive's dead) who knows aliens exist, a space ship crashes into Big Ben and lands in the Thames.
I think I just caught a brief glimpse of the singer from the Counting Crows.
The Doctor doesn't know anything about this ship. "This is what I travel for, Rose. To see history happening, right in front of us!"
There's the Counting Crows guy again!
The traffic situation is chaotic, so they go back to Rose's to watch the news on TV.
There's a body in the ship. A body of non-terrestrial origins.
Jackie says some guy named Billy asked her out. This is not the time, Jackie!
The body is in UNIT's possession. I think. I kind of zoned out, but there are red berets about.
Some general goes to see the body. S'up, Toshiko? Working in the hospital, I see. I didn't realize you had medical training.
The general wants the identity of the body kept secret.
Something's up with the Prime Minister, but the general won't elaborate.
The news says he's been missing since the ordeal began.
Some random MP named Green gets ushered into 10 Downing Street.
Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North, is trying to speak to the Prime Minister. She had an appointment.
Green is told he is acting Prime Minister, and he seems to have gas. (They don't tell him the gas part. That is evident as a viewer.)
He is introduced to two other seemingly random politicians.
Once locked in a room together, the three laugh in a sinister manner.
Rose catches the Doctor sneaking off. He claims he's not going to interfere in space ship matters and was just taking a break from the room full o' humans.
"That's when the human race finally grows up. Just this morning you were all tiny and small and made of clay! Now you can expand!" Clay?
To promise that he won't wonder off, the Doctor gives Rose a key to the Tardis. Holy crap, good for her!
Mickey spots him taking off in the Tardis.
Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North, is still trying to make her appointment with the higher ups.

Harriet: "I bet no one's brought you a coffee."
Ganesh: "Thank you."
Harriet: "Pleasure."
Ganesh: "You still can't go in."
Harriet: "Damn. You've seen through my cunning plan."

She insists that while a brave new world has landed right on their doorstep, regular life still continues on.
When Green exits the...grand conference room? That'll do. When Green exits the grand conference room, Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North, tries to convince him to get cottage hospitals on the next cabinet agenda.
He snubs her, telling her to get some perspective.
When the others leave, she sneaks into the grand conference room to leave her paperwork.
Her curiosity leads her to stay and read the emergency protocols.
In the hospital, Dr. Sato hears a banging noise.
She walks cautiously towards the door of the freezer....
Meanwhile, the Doctor has landed the Tardis within the hospital.
When the sonic screwdriver makes too much noise, he tells it to "shh!"
Dr. Sato is getting closer to the door....
Dr. Doctor has walked in on a room full of UNIT officers.
Dr. Sato still has not reached the door....
There we go. She reaches for the handle. It flies open and she screams.
Hearing this, the Doctor and UNIT race to her aid.
There are a bunch of shots of them running through corridors.
Dr. Sato tells them the alien is alive.
(Side note: On Torchwood, does Captain Jack know Toshiko has met the Doctor? Does Toshiko realize that she has met the Doctor?)
The Doctor has found the alien.
It is a pig head on a humanoid body.
A UNIT officer shoots it. The Doctor is pissed. He says it was scared.
The other politicians have returned to the grand conference room with some military officer.
Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North, hides in a closet.
The officer is calling Green out for his lack of leadership. The Prime Minister is still missing.
Green and the other two are overtaken with flatulence and laughter.
The officer relieves Green of command.
At this, Green and the others sort of...unzip their foreheads.
We hear some schloppy noises and screaming. Harriet screams silently in the closet.
It seems someone has grafted the head of a pig onto a body and made it crash land in the river.
Dr. Sato says the technology is alien. She asks why aliens would be faking aliens, but the Doctor has run off. We hear the sounds of the Tardis.
Jackie makes a toast to Martians when Mickey bursts in.
In Rose's absence, the police, and Jackie, assumed Mickey was behind her disappearance.
Poor Mickey. The Doctor's ruining his life. And Rose is to blame too, I suppose.
Mickey tells Rose the Doctor has left again. She, Mickey, and Rose end up at the spot where the Tardis was last.

"He not my boyfriend, Mickey. He's better than that. He's much more important..."

Rose notices the Tardis key is glowing. As the Tardis sounds grow louder, Rose tries to get her mom back inside. It doesn't work out.
"Oh that's just what I need. Don't you dare make this place domestic!"
Jackie runs off.
The Doctor relays what he's learned to Rose: The crash landing was a fake.
Jackie decides to call an alien emergency helpline and tell them about the Doctor and his blue box called a Tardis.
These keywords make government computers freak out.
Mickey and the Doctor bicker like children. Probably jealous of each other's attention from Rose. The Doctor insists Mickey's name is Ricky.
Mickey and Rose have a reconciliation of sorts. Rose explains that it's only been a few days for her, but she missed him anyway. Mickey tells her he would look for a blue box everywhere he went. Kind of cute, actually.
She asks if he's seen anyone else in the year she's been gone. He says no, mostly because everyone thinks he murdered her.
He asks her if she's going to stay now, but they are interrupted by the Doctor.
It turns out the space ship was launched from the other side of the earth.
Back at Downing Street, the "general" slings a floppy human skin over a chair back.
There's some talk about ballast and a gas exchange, the cause behind their gaseous issues.
It seems these things, presumably aliens, are living in human skins.
Ganesh runs up to the general to tell them they have a "Code 9." They don't know what that means. He says in the case of emergency protocols the computers are programmed to search for keywords leading to the Doctor. Ganesh believes they have found him.
They think he's some kind of extraterrestrial expert.
Back in the Tardis, Mickey asks if the Doctor gets sports channels.
The Doctor recognizes UNIT when he sees them on TV.
Rose asks how he knows them, and Mickey jumps in, explaining that the Doctor used to work for them.
As they leave the Tardis to do further investigations, they are ambushed by UNIT personnel claiming they are under arrest.
Mickey runs off.
The Doctor goes, "Take me to your leader!" Cheeky bastard.
He and Rose climb into a fancy car. When Rose remarks that it's pleasant, being arrested, the Doctor explains that they are not being arrested but escorted to Downing Street because they need his help.
The false general is in the Tylers' apartment questioning Jackie. This does not bode well.
A bunch of important people have gathered in 10 Downing Street. Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North, is still snooping around. I like her.
The assistant, or whatever he is, stresses that ID cards must be worn at all times and gives one to the Doctor. He also says Rose is not allowed into the meeting. This makes me nervous. I don't like it when they're separated.
Harriet Jones, MP for Flydale North, offers to keep an eye on her.
The alien emergency meeting is full of uniformed officials.
Harriet seems like she wants to ask Rose about what she saw regarding the aliens wearing human skins, but she starts to cry instead.
In the meeting, the Doctor references an incident in the North Sea where a satellite detected radiation at one hundred fathoms, "like there's something down there." As it happens, the government was about to investigate when the space ship crash landed. It seems the crash was designed as a distraction.
Outside, Harriet explains how the aliens are using human skins as suits.
Rose tries to find the hidden technology enabling the aliens to do so within the room. She opens one particular door, and the body of the prime minister falls out on her.
Back in the meeting, the Doctor is working through the alien logic. He realizes that the crash was not a diversion. It was designed to get all the alien experts enclosed in a room.
The woman/alien from earlier who was working with Green walks in on Rose, Harriet, and the dead prime minister.
The general in Jackie's apartment tells her that the Doctor is trouble, those associated with him are trouble, and his job is to eliminate trouble. He unzips his forehead.
The woman/alien unzips her forehead.
An officer in the alien expert meeting unzips his forehead, and we finally see the aliens: slimy green things with long claws and wormy necks.
They are the Slitheen.
The alien experts' ID cards are actually electrical weapons. Green activates them, electrocuting everyone.
Everyone is in imminent danger!

The End.

God Bless Us, Every One.

Right. Transcribing? Worst. Idea. Ever. What the hell was I thinking? It took me three days to do that last post. Two for transcribing and one for commenting. (I would have given up but for trying to work on my follow through.) Never again. Back to the commentary.

Before that, though, I watched my first classic Dr. Who last night. That is, I watched ten minutes and got bored. I'm not saying the old series is bad. I haven't watched nearly enough to make a judgment. Bear in mind that it was the middle of the night, too. I chose The Time Warrior: Part 1, because it was Sarah Jane's first episode and seemed like a good place to start. (I tried to go from the very beginning, but it's tough to find those online.) I'm not sure how I feel about Pertwee's Doctor, though ten minutes isn't really enough to go by. If all I have to go on in regards to the Doctor's personality are Eccleston's and Tennant's performances, I don't think Pertwee's Doctor is quirky enough, although I know his personality shifts a bit with every regeneration. He's like Richard Harris's Dumbledore: Everything but the quirks. (Although Richard Harris was exponentially better than whatever the hell Michael Gambon is doing. He doesn't even deserve the name "Dumbledore." But that's a whole 'nother post.) More on old Doctors later.

On to Episode 3:

Series/Episode: 1/3
Title: The Unquiet Dead
Writer: Mark Gatiss

"Sneed and Company" either attracts no business or attracts quite a lot out of curiosity.
Set sometime in the past, a young man grieves over his dead grandmother's coffin.
"She was so full of life." She's going to come alive, isn't she?
Yup. There she goes, choking her grandson.
"Gwyneth! Get down here now! We've got another one!" That can't be good.
The dead old woman has wandered out into the snow.
Titles! Oooo-EEEEE-ooooooooooo...WAAA-eeeee-ooooooooooo...That's what I hear, anyway.
The Tardis is shaking around. It is in flight.
Sweet! We're going to the past! To 1860.
Back in the past...Oh, hey Gwen Cooper. Nice doily you've got on your head there.
Apparently the grandson is now dead as well. Choked by his undead grandmother. Such a way to go.
Gwyneth alludes to creepy happenings at the funeral home.
Sneed and Gwyneth set out to find the old lady.
"Get the hearse ready. We're going body snatching." You need a sense of humor in Sneed's line of work.
The Tardis has landed, presumably in Sneed's time.

Rose: "But it's like...think about it, though. Christmas, 1860, happens once. Just once and it's gone, it's finished. It'll never happen again. Except for you. You can go back and see days that are dead and gone a hundred thousand sunsets ago. No wonder you never stay still."

It's speeches like this that make me upset that time travel isn't real.

The Doctor: "Not a bad life."
Rose: "Better with two."
A moment of contemplative silence.
They probably love each other.
Sneed and Gwyneth aren't having much luck on their search.
Sneed makes Gwyneth use "the Sight" to look for the old lady. She's reluctant, but complies when he threatens to fire her.
Before she died, the woman was going to see "a great man." The Doctor? Jesus? Tom Hanks?
Or Charles Dickens.
Ol' Charlie is backstage, "brooding" as he himself states.
"Christmas Eve. Not the best of times or the worst of times to be alone."
Dickens is frustrated with the routine of his life, his old age, and his tired imagination. All valid points, but I can't help thinking this is not the time. He's late for his call.
Rose reemerges dressed to blend in with the times.
The Doctor: "You look beautiful!...Considering."
Your typical show emotion, freak out, cover it up cycle.

The Doctor: "I got the flight a bit wrong."
Rose: "I don't care."
The Doctor: It's not 1860. It's 1869."
Rose: "I don't care."
The Doctor: "And it's not Naples."
Rose: "I don't care."
The Doctor: "It's Cardiff."
Rose: "...right."

Dickens is narrating A Christmas Carol on stage. I'm kind of getting into it when the dead lady appears in the audience.
She glows and moans and the audience flees.
The Doctor and Rose hear their screams outside. "Now that's more like it!"
A blue ghost-like entity is swirling around inside the theater. The Doctor proclaims it is "fantastic!"
Dickens is angry because he thinks the Doctor created the ghost as a trick.
Rose runs off after Sneed and Gwyneth who have taken the old woman's body.
The Doctor asks Dickens for info.

The Doctor: "I'm the Doctor, by the way."
Dickens: "Doctor? You look more like a navvy."
The Doctor: "What's wrong with this jumper?"

When Rose realizes the old lady is dead, Sneed knocks her out and sticks her in the hearse too. How grim.
The ghost thing disappears into a gas lamp.
The Doctor and Dickens take off after the undertakers in Dickens' coach where Dickens is revealed as his famous self.
Apparently the word "fan" didn't exist in the 1860s the way we know it because Dickens asks how the Doctor is a manner of keeping oneself cool.
Is "fan" really short for "fanatic"? I never put that together.
Rose is only nineteen? That's awesome because I'm nineteen! (Well, eighteen the first time I saw this.) Where's my time traveling alien friend?

The Doctor: "Thatta boy, Charlie."
Dickens: "Nobody calls me Charlie."
The Doctor: "The ladies do."
Dickens: "How do you know that?"

Sneed sticks Rose on a table. He suggests that since he did the bishop a favor that he might "do us an exorcism on the cheap!"
Now the dead grandson's moving around, and the Doctor and Dickens barge in despite Gwyneth's inhospitable attitude.
"What the Shakespeare is going on?" HA HA HA HA!
The dead guy's gonna get Rose OH CRAP!
And the grandmother OH CRAP!
And there's something inside the gas pipes.
It's alright, Rose is fine. Dickens still thinks it's all a trick.

The Doctor: "Hi."
Rose: "Hi. Who's your friend?"
The Doctor: "Charles Dickens."
Rose: "...okay."

The ghost things speak through the dead folk then disappear into the gas lamps again.
"First of all you drug me, then you kidnap me, and don't think I didn't feel your hands having a quick ones-y, you dirty old man!" The Doctor just thinks this conversation is funny.
Sneed reveals the house has a reputation for being haunted, but he wasn't concerned until "the stiffs...the, um, the dear departed...started getting restless."
How does Gwyneth know the Doctor likes two sugars in his tea if he's never told her?
There's a rift. A weak point in time and space. A connection between this world and another. The setting for Torchwood. The Doctor thinks it's getting stronger, and the ghost things are getting through.
Dickens is poking around for wires or mechanisms. He still thinks it's fake.

Dickens: "Can it be that I have the world entirely wrong?"
The Doctor: "Not wrong! There's just more to learn."
Dickens: "I've always railed against the fantasists. Oh, I loved an illusion as much as the next man. Reveled in them! But that's exactly what they were: illusions! The real world...was something different. I dedicated myself to that. Injustices. The great social causes. I hoped that I was a force for good. Now you tell me that the real world is a realm of specters and jack-o-lanterns...in which case, have I wasted my brief span here, Doctor? Has it all been for nothing?"

Rose: "How much do you get paid?"
Gwyneth: "Eight pound a year, miss."
Rose: "How much?"
Gwyneth: "I know! I would have been happy with six."

Rose and Gwyneth are bonding over complaints about school and how Gwyneth has a thing for the butcher's boy. She's starting to pick up that Rose doesn't quite fit here.
Gwyneth is comforted about the loss of her parents by the thought that she will see them again someday. She suggests that Rose's father is waiting for her as well.
But how did she know?

Gwyneth: "You're from London. I've seen London in drawings, but never like that. All those people rushing about. Half naked, for shame. And the noise. And the metal boxes racing past. And the birds in the sky, no...no, they're metal as well! Metal birds, with people in them! People are flying! And you, you've flown so far. Further than any of them. The things you've seen...the Darkness...the Big Bad Wolf...!"

That whole scene has a very creepy vibe to it. The way she says "the Darkness" makes me feel like it needs to be capitalized.
Oh, hey, Doctor. How long have you been standing in the doorway listening?
He guesses correctly that Gwynnie's power of Sight has been getting stronger. He says it's because she grew up on top of the Rift. She's part of it. She is "the key."
I know Gwyneth and Gwen Cooper look alike because they are played by the same actress, but I like to think that in the world of these stories the two characters look alike because they are distantly related. It is then interesting to think that Gwen Cooper's life ended up tied to the Rift as well.
They are having a seance. Dickens doesn't wish to participate. The Doctor calls him a humbug. Ha ha.
"Seances? Nothing but luminous tambourines and a squeeze box concealed between the knees." Sounds kind of dirty. I bet Dickens learned that from those women who call him Charlie.
The phrase "squeeze box" always makes me think of that song by The Who.
"Now don't antagonize her. I love a happy medium!" Rose can't believe the Doctor just said that. Neither can I.
Gwyneth makes a connection to the ghost-things who are actually Gelth, beings from across the universe. (Jai guru deva...om...)
They want Gwyneth to form a bridge through the rift.
Their species is endangered. Many were wiped out in the Time War. They used to have a physical form before the War.
"The whole universe convulsed. The Time War raged invisible to lower species but devastating to higher forms." What IS this War?
The Gelth are trapped in a gaseous state. They want to use the bridge (Gwyneth) to enter our world and inhabit the bodies of the dead.
Rose is opposed to this. The Doctor is in favor of it because it might save the Gelth. He also probably feels guilty about the effect the Time War had on the Gelth. (Seriously, what is this Time War all about?)
NOW Dickens believes.

Sneed: "But what did you say, Doctor? Explain it again. What are they?"
The Doctor: "Aliens."
Sneed: "Like foreigners, you mean."
The Doctor: "Pretty foreign, yeah. From up there."
Sneed: "Brecon?"

"Incredible. Ghosts that are not ghosts but beings from another world who can only exist in our realm by inhabiting cadavers." Old Charlie Boy clarifies in case anyone was confused. (Actually, given prior information, I'm not going to call him Charlie anymore.)
Gwyneth decides she wants to help the Gelth. She refers to them as her "angels," which kind of weirds me out. She thinks they were sent to her by her mother on a holy mission. I think this whole thing is sketchy.
The weakest part of the Rift is in the morgue. Of course.
Gwyneth creates a bridge, and the Gelth swarm in through her.
Oh shit. They're scary, and they lied.
Apparently there are a few billion Gelth. The ones who have passed through begin inhabiting the dead bodies.
One of them gets Sneed!
The Gelth-zombie army wants the live people to sacrifice themselves to the Gelth.
Dickens has run away because he's scared. Fair enough.
Rose questions whether or not she can die if she hasn't been born yet. The Doctor explains that time isn't a straight line and that it can be bent.
Dickens has an epiphany about the gas.

The Doctor: "What about me? I saw the fall of Troy! World War Five! I pushed boxes at the Boston Tea Party! Now I'm gonna die in a dungeon! In Cardiff!"

Dickens is running around doing something to the gas lamps.
"I'm so glad I met you." Because he loves her.
Dickens tells the Doctor to turn up all the gas.
Filling the room with gas will draw the Gelth out of the host bodies.
Gwyneth is disappointed that the Gelth are liars and that they are not angels sent to her.
The Doctor asks Gwyneth to send the Gelth back. She says she can't, but she can hold them there while the others escape. She pulls a box of matches out of her pocket.
Rose and Dickens have escaped. The Doctor realizes that Gwyneth is dead and tells her he's sorry. He runs out.
Gwyneth lights a match.
The Doctor escapes the resulting explosion just in time.
He explains that Gwyneth couldn't be saved, but that she closed the Rift.
When Rose questions how Gwyneth could talk and save them if she was dead, Dickens says, "There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy." That's Shakespeare, though, right?
The camera swoops up, and the three characters have a silent, momentary tribute to Gwyneth.
After his experiences this evening, Dickens decides to go home and spend Christmas with his family, since nothing could be more vital.
He wants to incorporate the Gelth into his writing. He wants to call his story "The Mystery of Edwin Drood and the Blue Elementals." What's funny is that shortly before watching this I had just heard of Edwin Drood for the first time. It's funny how life sometimes gives you information just before you'll need it.
Rose kisses Dickens on the cheek. "Oh...how modern!" He's all flustered.
"On my soul...Doctor, it's one riddle after another with you. But after all these revelations, there's still one mystery you haven't explained. Answer me this: Who are you?" Hence the title of the show.

Dickens: "But you have such knowledge of future times. I don't wish to impose on you, but I must ask you...my books, Doctor, do they last?"
The Doctor: "Oh, yes!"
Dickens: "For how long?"
The Doctor: "...forever!"

That last part sometimes brings a tear to my eye.

Dickens: "In the box? Both of you?"
The Doctor: "Down, boy!"

It turns out there are no blue elementals in Edwin Drood because Charles Dickens died the next year and never got to finish his story.
Rose feels bad about this because Dickens was so nice, but the Doctor remarks that he was already dead in Rose's time, but they had the opportunity to bring him back to life. They gave him a new outlook on life.
The Doctor thinks Dickens deserves one last surprise....
The Tarids dematerializes, and Dickens walks away laughing to himself.
A passerby wishes him a merry Christmas, and Dickens, still laughing, says to the night, "God bless us, every one!"

The End.

A Gift of Peace, in All Good Faith.

First off, I just saw Matt Smith in costume as the Doctor. In a picture, I mean. Not in person, though that would have been extra cool and exciting. Anyway, I LOVE IT! Not quite as cool as a brown pinstriped suit, but it totally suits him. I'm really looking forward to seeing Matt's version of the Doctor. I loved Eccleston, and I REALLY loved Tennant, but I think he's going to be good. Check out Party Animals, if you ever have a chance.

I just realized there are eight more Doctors I've never seen. All in good time. No pun intended.

Second off, Jet's new album, Shaka Rock, is streaming on their Myspace page. I'm listening to it right now, it's very good. Go listen.

Third off, I'm trying a new format for Series 1, Episode 2. The last one was a lot of work, so I think I'm going to try transcribing the episode and commenting where I feel like it. More typing, most likely, but less thinking about what's worth mentioning. Stage directions are in italics. My coments are in bold.)

(Disclaimer: The following transcript isn't even remotely mine. I just typed it.)

Series/Episode: 1/2
Title: The End of the World
Writer: Russell T. Davies

The Doctor: Right then, Rose Tyler, you tell me. Where do you want to go? Backwards or forwards in time? It's your choice. What's it gonna be?
Rose: Forwards. (I prefer the backwards in time trips, myself.)
The Doctor: How far?
Rose: One hundred years.
The Doctor: There you go. Step outside those doors, it's the twenty-second century.
Rose: You're joking.
The Doctor: That's a bit boring, though. Do you want to go further?
Rose: Fine by me!
The Doctor: Ten thousand years in the future. Step out those doors, it's the year 12,005. New Roman Empire. (Look at him, all excited...) Rose: You think you're so impressive.
The Doctor: I am so impressive!
Rose: You wish!
The Doctor: Right then. You asked for it. I know exactly where to go....Hold on!
Rose: Where are we...? He gestures to the doors. What's out there? Another gesture. Rose goes outside and finds herself on an observation deck with a clear view of the Earth.
The Doctor: You lot. You spend all your time thinking about dying. Like you're gonna get killed by eggs, or beef, or global warming, or asteroids. But you never take time to imagine the impossible. Maybe you survive. This is the year 5.5/apple/26, (Awesome!) five billion years in your future. And this is the day...hold on...this is the day the sun expands. Welcome to the end of the world.
Titles.
Intercom: Shuttles five and six now docking. Guests are reminded that Platform 1 forbids the use of weapons, teleportation, and religion. (Ha ha!) Earth Death is scheduled for 15:39 followed by drinks in the Manchester Suite.
Rose: So when it says "guests," does that mean people?
The Doctor: Depends what you mean by "people."
Rose: I mean people. What do you mean? (Aliens?)
The Doctor: Aliens. (Aliens, indeed.)
Rose: What are they doing on board this space ship? What's it all for?
The Doctor: It's not really a space ship. More like an observation deck. The great and the good are gathering to watch the planet burn.
Rose: What for?
The Doctor: Fun. Mind you, when I say the great and the good, what I mean is the rich.
Rose: But hold on, they did this once on Newsround Extra. The sun expanding, that takes hundreds of years.
The Doctor: Millions. But the planet's now the property of the National Trust. They've been keeping it preserved. See down there? Gravity satellites. Holding back the sun. (This strikes me as a little sick.)
Rose: The planet looks the same as ever. I thought the continents shifted and things.
The Doctor: They did. And the trust shifted them back. That's a Classic Earth. But, now the money's run out, nature takes over.
Rose: How long's it got?
The Doctor: About half an hour. Then the planet gets roasted!
Rose: Is that why we're here? I mean is...is that what you do? Jump in at the last minute and save the earth? (Pretty much.)
The Doctor: I'm not saving it. (Except this time.) Time's up.
Rose: But what about the people?
The Doctor: It's empty. They've all gone. All left!
Rose: Just me then.
Steward: Who the hell are you? (The timing on this was great!)
The Doctor: Oh, that's nice. thanks.
Steward: But how did you get in? This is a maximum hospitality zone! The guests have disembarked! They're on their way! Any second now-
The Doctor: Yeah, that's me, I'm a guest! Look! I've got an invitation! Look. There, you see? It's fine. You see? The Doctor, plus one. I'm the Doctor, this is Rose Tyler. She's my plus one. Is that alright?
Steward: Well. Obviously. Apologies. Et cetera. If you're on board, we better start. Enjoy.
The Doctor: The paper's slightly psychic. It shows them whatever I want them to see. Saves a lot of time. (I LOVE the psychic paper. I wish I had one.)
Rose: He's blue.
The Doctor: Yeah.
Rose. Okay.
Steward: We have in attendance The Doctor and Rose Tyler. Thank you! All staff to your positions. Hurry along! Thank you, thank you! Quick as you can! Come along, come along! And now might I introduce the next honored guest, representing the Forest of Cheem, we have Trees! Namely Jabe, Lute, and Copper. There will be an exchange of gifts representing peace. If you could keep the room circulating, thank you! Next, from the solicitors Jalco and Jalco we have the Moxx of Balhoon. And next, from Financial Family 7, we have the Adherence of the Repeated Meme. The inventors of Hypo Sniff Travel Systems (or something), the Brothers Hopheileen (I had no clue on this one.)...Hal Sparkplug (I doubt very much this is what the real name is)...Mr. and Mrs. Peckham (Or maybe "Peck 'em!)...the Ambassadors from the city state of Binding Light...
Jabe: The gift of piece. I bring you a cutting of my grandfather.
The Doctor: Thank you! Yes, gifts, um...I give you in return...air from my lungs. (I just realized she's a tree. She probably welcomed the carbon dioxide.)
Jabe: How...intimate. (Ew!)
The Doctor: There's more where that came from. (What's going on here?!)
Jade: I bet there is. (Oh God!)
Steward: The sponsor of the main event, please welcome the Face of Boe. (We find out some stuff about the Face later on in the series, but I found him fascinating from the get go. Why is he in a tank? Is he in liquid? Do Boe faces not have bodies? What are those tentacle things on the back of his head?)
The Doctor: The Moxx of Balhoon!
Mox: My felicitations upon this historical happenstance. I bring you the gift of bodily silivas.
The silivas hit Rose in the face. The Doctor thinks this is funny.
The Doctor: Thank you very much! The Appearance of the Repeated Meme. I give you air from my lungs. (They're not impressed.)
Repeated Meme: A gift of peace, in all good faith. (Not likely. They look like Dementors or Ringwraiths.)
Steward: And last but not least, our very special guest. Ladies and gentlemen and trees and multiforms, consider the earth below. In memory of this dying world, we call forth...the last...human. The Lady Cassandra O'Brien dot Delta 17.
Cassandra: (Holy crap she's a piece of skin with a face!) Oh, now, don't stare. I know, I know, it's shocking, isn't it? I've had my chin completely taken away, and look at the difference! Look how thin I am. Thin and dainty! I don't look a day over two thousand. Moisturize me, moisturize me....Truly, I am the last human. My father was a Texan. My mother was from the Arctic Desert. They were born on the earth, and they were the last to be buried in its soil. I have come to honor them and say...goodbye! Oh, no tears! No tears. I'm sorry. But behold! I bring gifts! From Earth itself, the last remaining ostrich egg. Legend says it had a wing span of fifty feet, and blew fire from its nostrils. Or was that my third husband? Oh, no! Don't laugh. I'll get laughter lines! And here, another rarity. According to the archives, this was called an iPod. It stores classical music from humanity's greatest composers. Play on!
It plays "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell. (The lyrics fit very cleverly here with how Rose is feeling. "Sometimes I feel I've got to run away. I've got to get away...")
Steward: Refreshments will now be served. Earth Death in twenty minutes.
Jabe: Doctor? Thank you. (She scanned him with a little machine. Given their earlier conversation, I think it's for something dirty.)
Repeated Meme: A gift of peace, in all good faith.
Steward: No, you're very kind, but I'm just the steward.
Repeated Meme: A gift of peace, in all good faith. (They are rather insistent.)
Steward: Oh, yes. Thank you. Of course.
Jabe: Identify species....Please identify species. Now stop it! Identify his race. Where's he from? ...it's impossible! (Oh. Not dirty after all.)
Rose: Sorry, am I not allowed to be in here?
Raffalo: You have to give us permission to talk.
Rose: Um...you have permission?
Raffalo: Thank you! And no, you're not in the way. Guests are allowed anywhere.
Rose: Hey...what's your name?
Raffalo: Raffalo.
Rose: Raffalo?
Raffalo: Yes, miss. I won't be long. I've just got to carry out some maintenance. There's a tiny little glitch in the Face of Boe's suite. There must be something blocking the system. He's not getting any hot water. (He bathes?)
Rose: So you're a plumber. (I can hear Eddie Izzard's voice in my head going, "What on Earth is that?")
Raffalo: That's right, miss.
Rose: They still have plumbers. (Think before you speak, Rose.)
Raffalo: I hope so. Or else I'm out of a job. (Raffalo is adorable!)
Rose: Where are you from?
Raffalo: Krespalian.
Rose: That's a planet, isn't it?
Raffalo: No. Krespalian's part of the Jagga Brocade. (Maybe.) Affiliated to the Scarlet Junction. Complex 56. And where are you from, Miss? If you don't mind me asking.
Rose: No! Not at all. I'm...I dunno. A long way away. I just sort of hitched a lift with this man. I didn't even think about it. I don't even know who he is. He's a complete stranger....Anyway, don't let me keep you. Good luck with it.
Raffalo: Thank you, miss. And thank you for the permission. Not many people are that considerate.
Rose: Okay. See you later.
Raffalo: Now then...Control, I'm at Junction 19. I think the problem's coming from in here. I'll go inside and have a look....What's that? There something in there? A little spider thing crawls out. Who are you then? It scurries away. Hold on! If you're an upgrade, I just need to register you. That's all. Come back!...There you are. I just need to register your ident. Another one! There's two of ya! Got yourself a little mate....I think I better report this to Control....How many of you are there? What are you? No. No! NO! She's sucked into the vent.
Steward: What's that?...Well how should I know?...Would the owner of the blue box in Private Gallery 15 please report to the steward's office immediately. Guests are reminded that use of teleportation devices is strictly forbidden under Peace Treaty 5.4/cup/16. Thank you.
Intercom: Earth Death in twenty-five minutes. Earth Death in twenty-five minutes.
Rose is alone on the observation deck when she hears this announcement.
Rose: Oh thanks.... She picks up a little plant. Hello. My name's Rose. That's a type of plant. We might be related....I'm talking to a twig.
Little black Oompa Loopma things are moving the Tardis.
The Doctor: Oi, now. Careful with that. Park it properly. No scratches...Rose? Are you in there? What you think, then?
Rose: Great! Yeah. Fine. Once you get past the slightly psychic paper...They're just so alien. The aliens are so alien. You look at them, and they're alien.
The Doctor: Good thing I didn't take you to the deep south. (I assume he's talking about the American deep south. Good one!)
Rose: Where are you from?
The Doctor: All over the place. (Poor guy. He doesn't want to talk about it.) Rose: They all speak English.
The Doctor: No, you just hear English. It's a gift of the Tardis. The telepathic field. Gets inside your brain. Translates.
Rose: It's inside my brain?
The Doctor: Well, in a good way.
Rose: Your machine gets inside my head? It gets inside and it changes my mind and you didn't even ask?
The Doctor: I didn't think about it like that.
Rose: No, you were too busy thinking up cheap shots about the deep south! Who are you then, Doctor? What're you called? What sort of alien are you?
The Doctor: I'm just a doctor.
Rose: From what planet?
The Doctor: Well, it's not as if you'd know where it is!
Rose: Where are you from?
The Doctor: What does it matter?
Rose: Tell me who you are!
The Doctor: This is who I am! Right here, right now, alright? All that counts is here and now, and this is me!
Rose: Yeah, and I'm here too 'cause you brought me here, so just tell me! (No one said you had to go with him. Cut him some slack!)
Intercom: Earth Death in twenty minutes. Earth Death in twenty minutes.
Rose: Alright. As my mate Shireen says, don't argue with the designated driver. I can't exactly call for a taxi. There's no signal. We're out of range. Just a bit.
The Doctor: Tell you what. A little bit of jiggery pokery...He takes her phone and fixes it with the sonic screwdriver.
Rose: Is that a technical term, jiggery pokery?
The Doctor: Yeah, I came first in jiggery pokery. What about you?
Rose: Nah. I failed hullabaloo.
(Aw, playful banter!)
The Doctor: There you go.
Jackie: Hello?
Rose: Mum?
Jackie: Oh, what is it? What's wrong? What have I done now? Oh, this red tops falling to bits! You should get your money back. Go on. There must be something. You never phone in the middle of the day. What's so funny?
Rose: Nothing. You alright, though?
Jackie: Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
Rose: What day is it?
Jackie: Wednesday. All day. You got a hangover? Oh, tell you what, put a quid in that lottery syndicate. I'll pay you back later. (I get a kick out of Jackie.)
Rose: I was just calling 'cause...I might be late home.
Jackie: Is there something wrong?
Rose: No. I'm fine! Top of the world. (Bah-dum, ching!)
Jackie hangs up. (Apparently they don't say goodbye in the Tyler family.)
The Doctor: You think that's amazing, you ought to see the bill.
Rose: That was five billion years ago. So...she's dead now. Five billion years later, my mum's dead.
The Doctor: Bundle of laughs, you are....The platform shudders. That's not supposed to happen.
Steward: Well, what was it? I'm just getting green lights at this end. Honored guests may be reassured that gravity pockets cause slight turbulence. Thanking you. The whole place shook! I felt it. I've hosted all sorts of events on Platforms 1 through E6 and 15 and I've never felt the slightest tremor! I warn you, if this lot decide to sue...I'm going to scan the infrastructure....What's that? Control, I don't want to worry you, but I'm picking up readings...I have no idea! Well they're small. The scan says they're metal. I don't know what they look like! He sees a spider. Although I imagine they might look rather like that. You're not on the guest list. How did you get on board? No!
The spider steps on a button on the stewards keyboard. A sheet of something lowers itself within the steward's office, burning as it goes.
Intercom: Sun filter deactivated. Sun filter descending.
Steward: No! Sun filter up!
Intercom: External temperature four thousand degrees.
Steward: No! No no no! Control! Sun filter up! NO!
Moxx: Indubitably, this is the bad wolf scenario. (Didn't catch that the first three times around.) I find the uninhibited laxity of the...
The Doctor: That wasn't a gravity pocket. I know gravity pockets, and they don't feel like that. What do you think, Jabe? Listen to the engines. They've pitched up about thirty hertz. That budge you, or what?
Jabe: It's the sound of metal. It doesn't make any sense to me.
The Doctor: Where's the engine room?
Jabe: I don't know. But the maintenance duct's just behind our guest suite. I could show you. And your wife?
The Doctor: Oh, she's not my wife.
Jabe: Partner?
The Doctor: No.
Jabe: Concubine?
The Doctor: Nope!
Jabe: Prostitute? (Burn!)
Rose: Whatever I am, it must be invisible. D'you mind? Tell you what, you two go and pollinate. I'm gonna catch up with the family. Quick word with Michael Jackson. (She means Cassandra. Good one, Rose!)
The Doctor: Don't start a fight....I'm all yours. (The last part was directed at Jabe.)
Rose: And I want you home by midnight!
Intercom: Earth Death in fifteen minutes. Earth Death in fifteen minutes.
The Doctor: Who's in charge of Platform 1? Have you got a captain, or what?
Jabe: There's just the steward. And the staff. All the rest is controlled by the metal mind. (The what?)
The Doctor: You mean the computer? (Oh.) Well who controls that?
Jabe: The Corporation. (Ominous!) They move Platform 1 from one artistic event to another.
The Doctor: But there's no one from the Corporation on board?
Jabe: They're not needed. This facility is purely automatic. It's the height of the alpha class. Nothing can go wrong. (Famous last words.)
The Doctor: Unsinkable.
Jabe: If you like. The nautical metaphor is appropriate.
The Doctor: You're telling me. I was on board another ship once. They said that was unsinkable. We ended up clinging to an iceberg. It wasn't half cold. (I believe this is British phrasing meaning "It was freaking cold!") So what you're saying is, if we get in trouble there's no one to help us out.
Jabe: I'm afraid not.
The Doctor: Fantastic.
Jabe: I don't understand. In what way is that fantastic? (Apparently Trees are not familiar with the concept of sarcasm.)
Cassandra: Soon the sun will blossom into a red giant. And my home will die. That's where I used to live, when I was a little boy, (I guess she really did have a lot of operations.) down there. Mummy and Daddy had a house built into the side of the Los Angeles Crevasse. Ah, I had such fun.
Rose: What happened to everyone else? The human race, where did it go?
Cassandra: They say mankind has touched every star in the sky.
Rose: So you're not the last human.
Cassandra: I am the last pure human. The others...mingled. Oh, they call themselves new humans and protohumans and digihumans and even humanish, but d'you know what I call them? Mongrels.
Rose: Right. And you stayed behind.
Cassandra: I kept myself pure. (I don't know how you guys feel, but I'm starting to think Cassandra might be a bit of a freak.)
Rose: How many operations have you had?
Cassandra: 708. Next week it's 709. I'm having my blood bleached. Is that why you wanted a word? You could be flatter. You've got a little bit of a chin poking out.
Rose: I'd rather die.
Cassandra: Oh, honestly, it doesn't hurt.
Rose: I mean it. I would rather die. It's better to die than live like you: a bitchy trampoline.
Cassandra: Oh, well. What do you know?
Rose: I was born on that planet! And so was my mum, and so was my dad, and that makes me officially the last human being in this room because...you're not human! You've had it all nipped and tucked and flattened til there's nothing left! Everything human got chucked in the bin. You're just skin, Cassandra! Lipstick and skin! Nice talking.
The Doctor: So tell me Jabe, what's a Tree like you doing in a place like this? (Real smooth, Doctor.)
Jabe: Respect for the earth.
The Doctor: Oh, come on. Everyone on this platform's worth zillions.
Jabe: Well, perhaps it's a case of having to be seen at the right occasions.
The Doctor: In case your share prices drop? I know you lot. Got massive forests everywhere, got roots everywhere, and there's always money in land.
Jabe: All the same, we respect the earth as family. It's many species evolved from that planet. Mankind is only one. I'm another. My ancestors were transplanted from the planet down below, and I'm a direct descendant of the tropical rain-forest.
The Doctor: Excuse me.
Jabe: And what about your ancestry, Doctor? (Here we go, backstory!) Perhaps you could tell a story or two. Perhaps a man only enjoys travel when there's nothing else left....I scanned you earlier. (I'll bet she did.) The metal machine had trouble identifying your species. It refused to admit your existence. And even when it named you I wouldn't believe it! But it was right. I know where you're from! Forgive me for intruding, but it's remarkable that you even exist! I just wanted to say how sorry I am.
The Doctor actually sheds a tear. (What the hell did all that mean?!) They enter a big warehouse-style room with huge, rotating fans.
The Doctor: Is it me, or is it a bit nippy?
Rose is knocked out by the ringwraiths.
Back at the fans...
The Doctor: Fair dues, though, that's a great bit of air conditioning. Sort of nice and old fashioned. Bet they call it retro. Gotcha. He has located a spider behind a plate in the wall. What the hell's that?
Jabe: Is it part of the retro? (Ignorant tree...)
The Doctor: I don't think so. Hold on. He tries to stop it with the sonic screwdriver. Jabe shoots out a vine and catches it. Hey! Nice leanna! (This word is probably spelled wrong. I'd never heard it before.)
Jabe: Thank you. I'm not supposed to show them in public. (Holy innuendos, Batman!)
The Doctor: Don't worry, I won't tell anybody. Now then, who's been bringing the pets on board?
(The ringwraiths.)
Jabe: What does it do?
The Doctor: Sabotage. (Apparently, William Shatner pronounces this word "sabotaaj." Like the "a" sound it "cat" or "apple." What a fool character!)
Intercom: Earth Death in ten minutes.
The Doctor: And the temperature's about to rocket. Come on.
Intercom: Earth Death in ten minutes.
Cassandra: The planet's end! Come gather, come gather! Bid farewell to the cradle of civilization! Let us mourn her with a traditional ballad.
"Toxic" by Britney Spears plays.
The Doctor: Alright, hold on, get back!
Intercom: Sun filter rising. Sun filter rising.
Jabe: Is the steward in there?
The Doctor: You can smell him. (Mmmm, delicious!) Hold on. There's another sun filter programmed to descend.
Intercom: Sun filter descending. Sun filter descending. (If these are so dangerous, why are they even installed on the platform?)
Rose: Let me out! Let me out!
Intercom: Sun filter descending. Sun filter descending.
Rose: Let me out! Let me out! Let me out!
Intercom: Sun filter descending. Sun filter descending.
The Doctor: Anyone in there?
Rose: Let me out!
The Doctor: Oh, well it would be you.
Rose: Open the door!
The Doctor: Hold on. Give us two ticks.
Intercom: Sun filter descending. Sun filter descending...Sun filter rising. Sun filter rising. Sun filter rising. Sun filter rising...Sun filter descending.
The Doctor: Just what we need. The computer's getting clever.
Rose: Stop mucking about!
The Doctor: I'm not mucking about, it's fighting back!
Intercom: Sun filter descending.
Rose: Open the door!
The Doctor: I know!
Intercom: Sun filter descending.
Rose: (She said something I seriously cannot understand. I listened five or six times. Nothing.)
Intercom: Sun filter descending. Sun filter descending...Sun filter rising. Sun filter rising.
The Doctor: The whole thing's jammed. I can't open the door. Stay there! Don't move!
Rose: Where am I gonna go? Ipswich?
Intercom: Earth Death in five minutes.
Jabe: The metal machine confirms: the spider devices have infiltrated the whole of Platform 1.
Cassandra: How's that possible? Our private rooms are protected by a code wall. Moisturize me, moisturize me...!
Moxx: Summon the steward!
Jabe: I'm afraid the steward is dead.
Moxx: Who killed him?
Cassandra: This whole event was sponsored by the Face of Boe. He invited us. Talk to the Face, talk to the Face!
The Doctor: Easy way of finding out. Someone brought a little pet on board. Let's send him back to master.
He nudges the spider. It stops at the feet of the ringwraiths.
Cassandra: The Adherence of the Repeated Meme! Shackles! (She either said "shackles" or "shacoon!" I'm thinking the former.)
The Doctor: That's all very well and really kind of obvious (indeed), but if you stop and think about it...He rips off one of their arms....a repeated meme is just an idea. (I'm glad he said that, because I actually didn't know what a meme was.) He tugs on a wire and one of them crumbles to the floor. And that's all they are, an idea. Remote control droids. Nice little cover for the real troublemaker. Go on, Jimbo. (Cute name for a spider.) Go home!
It goes over to Cassandra.
Cassandra: I bet you were the school swot (Swat?) who never got kissed. (So not true of his David Tennant form.) At arms!
The Doctor: What are you going to do, moisturize me? (Another point to the Doctor!)
Cassandra: With acid. Oh, you're too late anyway. My spiders have control of the mainframe. You all carried them as gifts tax free past every code wall. I'm not just a pretty face.
The Doctor: Sabotaging a ship while you're still inside it. How stupid's that?
Cassandra: I'd hoped to manufacture a hostage situation with myself as one of the victims. The compensation would have been enormous.
The Doctor: Five billion years and it still comes down to money.
Cassandra: Do you think it's cheap looking like this? Flatness costs a fortune. I am the last human, Doctor. Me. Not that freaky little kid of yours.
Moxx: Arrest her! The infidel!
Cassandra: Oh, shut it, pixie! I've still got my final option.
Intercom: Earth Death in three minutes.
Cassandra: And here it comes.
Intercom: Earth Death in three minutes.
Cassandra: You're just as useful dead, all of you. I have shares in your rival companies, and they'll triple in price as soon as you're dead. My spiders are primed and ready to destroy the safety systems. How does that old Earth song go? Burn, baby, burn.
Jabe: Then you'll burn with us!
Cassandra: Oh, I'm so sorry! I know the use of teleportation is strictly forbidden, but...I'm such a naughty thing! Spiders, activate! Force fields gone with the planet about to explode. At least it will be quick! Just like my fifth husband. (Can they say that on a family show?) Oh, shame on me! Buh-bye, darlings. Buh-bye my darlings!
Intercom: Safety systems failing. Safety systems failing.
She disappears.
Intercom: Heat levels rising.
Moxx: Reset the computer!
Jabe: Only the steward would know how.
The Doctor: No, we can do it by hand. There must be a system restore switch. Jabe, come on! You lot, just chill! (Have I mentioned the Doctor is awesome?)
Intercom: Heat levels rising. Earth Death in two minutes. Earth Death in two minutes. Heat levels critical. Heat levels critical.
The Doctor and Jabe arrive back in the giant fan room.
The Doctor: Oh. And guess where the switch is.
He pulls down a lever that stops the fans so he can cross their path. The lever pops back up.
Intercom: Heat levels rising. Heat levels rising...External temperature 5,000 degrees.
Jabe holds the lever down.
The Doctor: You can't. The heat's going to vent through this place!
Jabe: I know!
The Doctor: Jabe, you're made of wood.
Jabe: Then stop wasting time...Timelord. (YES!)
Intercom: Heat levels rising. Heat levels rising. Heat levels hazardous. Heat levels hazardous.
(Hey, if he knows Jabe might burn to death, why did he bring her with him?)
Moxx: We're going to die!
Intercom: Heat levels hazardous. Shields malfunctioning. Shields malfunctioning. Shields malfunctioning. Shields malfunctioning. Heat levels critical. Heat levels critical. Heat levels rising. Heat levels rising. Jabe has burst into flames. Planet explodes in 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...
The final fan in the Doctor's path is spinning wildly. He focuses for a long moment, then steps safely past the spinning blades. (I'm assuming he can feel them turning, like he can feel the turn of the earth.)
The Doctor: Raise shields!
Intercom: ...1. Exoglass repaired. Exoglass repaired. Exoglass repaired. Exoglass repaired.
The Doctor returns to the main room, as does Rose. He tells Jabe's fellow Trees that she is dead. One of them starts to sob. The Moxx of Balhoon is also dead. (I didn't catch the Moxx's death before now.)
Rose: You alright?
The Doctor: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm full of ideas. Bristling with them. Idea number one: Teleportation through 5,000 degrees needs some kind of feed. Idea number two: This feed must be hidden nearby. He cracks open the ostrich egg revealing an electronic device. Idea number three: If you're as clever as me, then a teleportation feed can be reversed.
(Alright, so I love the Doctor, but all he did was turn a little dial. It didn't seem all that clever.) Cassandra reappears.
Cassandra: Oh, you should have seen the little (something I didn't catch) on their faces. Oh.
The Doctor: The last human.
Cassandra: So. You passed my little test. Bravo. This makes you eligible to join th-th-the...Human Club.
The Doctor: People have died, Cassandra. You murdered them.
Cassandra: It depends on your definition of "people." And that's enough of a technicality to keep your lawyers dizzy for centuries. Take me to court then, Doctor, and watch me smile, and cry, and flutter...
The Doctor: And creak?
Cassandra: And what?
The Doctor: Creak! You're creaking.
The skin that is her body is tightening.
Cassandra: What? I-I-I'm drying out! Oh, sweet heavens! Moisturize me! Moisturize me! Oh, (something)! My lovely boys! (Poise?) It's too hot!
The Doctor: You raised the temperature.
Cassandra: Have pity! Moisturize me! Oh, Doctor! Oh, no, Doctor...!
Rose: Help her.
The Doctor: Everything has its time, and everything dies.
Cassandra: I'm...too...young...! She pops and explodes into bits. (This is gruesome and funny.)
Intercom: Shuttles four and six departing. This unit now closing down for maintenance.
Rose and the Doctor are on the observation deck.
Rose: The end of the earth...it's gone. We were too busy saving ourselves. No one saw it go. All those years, all that history, and no one was even looking. It's just...
The Doctor takes her by the hand.
The Doctor: Come with me....
(That was a nice moment for them.)
They exit the Tardis. They are back on Earth in present day.
The Doctor: You think it'll last forever. The people, the cars, and concrete. But it won't. One day it's all gone. Even the sky...My planet's gone. (!) It's dead. It burned like the earth. It's just rocks and dust. Before its time.
Rose: What happened?
The Doctor: There was a war, and we lost.
Rose: A war with who? He doesn't answer. What about your people?
The Doctor: I'm a Timelord. I'm the last of the Timelords. They're all gone. I'm the only survivor. I'm left traveling on my own 'cause there's no one else.
(You can really feel how lonely and sad and miserable he is. It's painful.)
Rose: There's me. (Aw.)
The Doctor: You've seen how dangerous it is. Do you want to go home?
Rose: I don't know. I want...can you smell chips?
The Doctor: Yeah...yeah!
Rose: I want chips.
The Doctor: Me too.
Rose: Right then. Before you get me back in that box, chips it is and you can pay.
The Doctor: No money.
Rose: What sort of date are you? Come on then, tight wad, chips are on me. I've only got five billion years til the shops close.
They walk off hand in hand.

The end.

Nice to Meet You, Rose. Run for Your Life!

It's about time I get crackin' on this! I often sometimes have follow through issues with projects, so it's time to get the ball rolling.

I'm starting with Doctor Who Series 1 Episode 1. I'm not sure how exactly I want to do this. This time I'm going to try watching it and commenting as I go. Let's hope it works out:

Series/Episode: 1/1
Title: Rose
Writer: Russell T. Davies

Wait, wait, wait...hold everything! Before I get too far along here, I thought maybe I should share some notes about my first time watching this. Beforehand, from some preliminary research, I knew that Doctor Who was this British show that had been running for ages and ages. And there were Daleks in it, but I wasn't clear on what their role was, though I knew what they looked like. (Kira's dad, who is English, has a little toy Dalek.) And I knew that the Doctor could time travel in something called a Tardis, but what a Tardis was precisely was fuzzy. (Side note: I think the proper capitalization is TARDIS, it being an acronym and all, but that looks obnoxious to me. I am making a conscious decision to be improper. Hardcore fans may complain if they wish. I understand.) I also learned that "Doctor Who" was not in fact the Doctor's name, and that he was a Timelord. There were references to a Time War, but I didn't know what that was. And I discovered that a bunch of different actors had played the Doctor but didn't get why. I think I thought it was a James Bond type of thing. Anyway, back to the task at hand.

A theme song! People's names! A logo!
And so it begins....
This blonde girl must be Rose. Her room is very pink. That blonde lady must be her mother.
Rose's life is boring and monotonous, I see. This goofy guy must be her boyfriend.
Rose is shouting for Wilson to no avail. Where could he be?
Oh crap, mannequins are moving! Like in that Twilight Zone episode. Rose thinks it's a trick, but the audience, in its infinite wisdom, knows better.
The Doctor is here! Hooray! Even in my ignorance, I instinctively know this is exciting. (I'm trying to think back to the first time I saw this. This is the fourth time I've seen this episode, and I literally went "Woohoo!" just now when he showed up.)
A plastic arm is stuck in the elevator doors. It breaks off.
Apparently Wilson's dead. Oh well.
The sonic screwdriver's first appearance!
The Doctor's dialogue is awesome.
Stuff's exploding.
HolycrapRosejustranbytheTardis!
Rose's family is all in a dither.
Goofy Guy pretends the plastic arm is choking him. Foreshadowing?
Oh dear. A noise at the cat flap.
Oh, cool. It's just the Doctor.

Rose's mom: I'm in my dressing gown.
The Doctor: Yes, you are.
Rose's mom: There's a strange man in my bedroom.
The Doctor: Yes, there is.
Rose's mom: Anything could happen.
The Doctor: No.

The Doctor spots himself in a mirror and makes a remark about his ears. Recent Regeneration?
Foreshadowing, indeed. The plastic arm is choking the Doctor. Rose thinks he's joking. Come on, Rose, get with it!
Now it's got her! But she's saved by the Sonic Screwdriver.
Don't run off, Doctor, we need information!
Cool tracking shot of the two of them walking towards the camera.

I LOVE the writing on this show:

Rose: "Tell me or I'll start talking."
The Doctor: "Is that supposed to sound tough?"
Rose: "Sort of."
The Doctor: "Doesn't work."
Rose: "...Who are you?"
The Doctor: "Told you. The Doctor."
Rose: "Yeah, but...Doctor what?"
The Doctor: "Just the Doctor."
Rose: "The Doctor."
The Doctor: "Hello!"
Rose: "Is that supposed to sound impressive?"
The Doctor: "...Sort of."

Rose: "What's it all for? I mean, shop window dummies. What's that about? Is someone trying to take over Britain's shops?"
The Doctor: (laughs) "No."
Rose: "Well, no."
The Doctor: "It's not a price war!" (laughs) "...They want to overthrow the human race and destroy you....Do you believe me?"
Rose: "No."
The Doctor: "But you're still listening."

The Doctor: "D'you know like we were saying? About the earth revolving. It's like when you were a kid. The first time they tell you that the world's turning and you just can't quite believe it because everything looks like it's standing still....I can feel it....The turn of the earth. The ground beneath our feet is spinning at a thousand miles an hour, and the entire planet is hurtling around the sun at sixty-seven thousand miles an hour, and I can feel it. We're falling through space, you and me. Clinging to the skin of this tiny little world and if we let go...That's who I am."

That last one gives me chills. And reading it does no justice to Christopher Eccelston's delivery. Back to the commentary.

The sounds of the Tardis.....and he's gone!
Ha ha, Goofy Guy. "Don't read my email!"
Rose does an internet search for "Doctor Blue Box" and there he is....Mysterious.
Rose is off to see Clive, the guy she found on the search. Goofy Guy waits in the car.
Clive is slightly awkward and jovial and not a murderer. He leads Rose to his shed of Doctor information. Not as creepy as it sounds
Clive has photos of the Doctor throughout the years. At the Kennedy assassination, pre-Titanic, Krakatoa...very spooky. Danger seems to follow him. Or is it the other way around?
Clive thinks the Doctor is an immortal alien from another world. Rose thinks Clive is a nutter.
Meanwhile, Goofy Boyfriend has been eaten by a plastic trash can and was replaced by a very unrealistic plastic version of himself. Rose does not pick up on this. "Piiiizza!"
Goofy Boyfriend's name is Mickey. Plastic Mickey is grilling non-plastic Rose for info about the Doctor.
Oooo, some clever editing to indicate something's amiss.
They didn't order champagne. The waiter is persistent.
Because the waiter is the Doctor.
Plastic Mickey is revealed when he turns his hand into wooden slab and starts whacking things. The Doctor pulls off his head. Chaos ensues.
The Sonic Screwdriver is referred to by its name for the first time.
The Doctor suggests they hide from rampaging headless Plastic Mickey in his blue telephone box. (Tardis! Tardis! Tardis!) Rose is skeptical.
She runs inside in desperation only to be confused. She runs out again and circles the box. Why would she do such a thing? Maybe because...
HOLYCRAPITSBIGGERONTHEINSIDE!!!!!!!!! Is that not the coolest concept ever?
Is it alien? Yes.
Is the Doctor alien? Yes.
Is Rose cool with this? Yes.
TARDIS=Time And Relative Dimensions In Space
Rose starts to cry. She thinks Mickey's dead. The Doctor didn't think that part through.
It is established that the Tardis flies. Through third dimensional space. "Disappears there and reappears here."

Rose: "If you are an alien, how comes you sound like you're from the north?"
The Doctor: "Lots of planets have a north!"

The Doctor explains why the Nestine Consciousness, the thing controlling all the plastic, has singled out Earth. He speaks very quickly. I think we get the gist. He plans to take it down with Anti-Plastic.
The Doctor utters his first "fantastic!"
The NC (Nestine Consciousness) is using the London Eye as a broadcasting device to control all the plastic. When I explained this aloud to my sister, I realized that I love this show.

The Doctor: "Think of it. Plastic all over the world. Every artificial thing waiting to come alive. The shop window dummies, the phones, the wires, the cables..."
Rose: "The breast implants..."

Underground, beneath the Eye, it is very red.
The NC is a writhing, yellow liquidy thing.
The Shadow Proclamation. That sounds cool.
Evidently Mickey is alive.
The Doctor is giving the NC a chance to leave Earth in peace, because he's awesome like that. But the NC isn't interested.
Some dummies have found the Anti-Plastic, and the NC is pissed. The Tardis has been taken hostage.
The Doctor desperately tries to explain to the NC that something wasn't his fault. He says he was there, he fought in the war, but that he couldn't save the NC's world or his own. What's this war all about? What happened to the Doctor's world?
The NC gets freaked out by the Tardis technology and activates the worldwide takeover.
Rose's mom decides she wants to go shopping despite Rose's warning.
All the dummies come to life. One of them shoots Clive. At least Clive found out that his research was accurate before he died. A small comfort, perhaps.
I'm pretty sure the NC just said "Timelord." Which makes this the first time we hear it.
After a few minutes of on screen madness, Rose swings herself around on a chain, knocking the underground dummies into the NC. In doing so she frees the Doctor and the Anti-Plastic falls into the NC along with the dummies.
Rose, the Doctor, and Mickey must escape in the Tardis before the area collapses.
Above ground, the dummies freak out and stop.
The Doctor is grateful for Rose's help. He invites her to leave with him in the Tardis. This is monumental.
He explains that the Tardis can travel anywhere in the universe.
Mickey is not invited. Poor guy. He's had a very traumatic day.
Rose declines. We see the Doctor is disappointed through a moment of subtle acting.
The Tardis dematerializes.
Oh wait, it's back!
"By the way, did I mention it also travels in time?"
Rose and Mickey have the following conversation:

Rose: "Thanks."
Mickey: "For what?"
Rose: "Exactly."

Burn. Like Mickey needs that after the day he's had. But I don't think she meant it in a mean way. I think she probably felt like she was stating the obvious.
She runs grinning into the Tardis.

The End.

La Vie: Bon Apetit!

Julie and Julia is an adorable movie. It's all about finding yourself. And food. It is a double memoir with some gloriously beautiful shots of butter.

While there's not a great amount of finding myself to be done at this point in my life (most of that was done in high school), one can never learn to much about any subject, including the subject of oneself. I have been feeling like I'm living in a daily limbo. I graduated from a year long film school, I'm not entirely sure what part of filmmaking I'd like to pursue, I don't really have any desire to go to a more traditional college, I need to find a job, I just moved back home because the lease on my apartment near school is up, and I don't drive. I think I might be experiencing a beginning-of-life crisis. (Like a mid-life crisis, but I'm only nineteen.) Why do I suspect this? I seriously considered purchasing a skirt. As someone who loves a nice suit, wore a tux to junior prom, and hasn't worn a dress since age ten, this clearly signaled distress.

So I have given myself a project. Like Julie Powell cooking her way through Julia Child's cookbook, though with little to no aspics. I am giving myself a year from tomorrow, August 16, 2009, to blog about every Doctor Who episode (from the new series), as well as every episode of Torchwood and The Sarah Jane Adventures. I'm also throwing Lost into the mix as its last season is almost upon us. A challenge that fits with the geek theme.

Let's see how it goes. Wish me bonne chance!

Children of Earth is Miserable!

I'm two thirds of the way through Torchwood: Children of Earth, Day 5. I can't take it! It's one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever seen. In a good way. More on this later.

I Believe in Yesterday

Actually, it was two days ago.

On the evening of Wednesday, August 5, 2009, in Boston's Fenway Park, I had the honor and the privilege to witness Paul McCartney perform live in concert. (This is the decidedly badass event I referenced in my last post.)

I have been aware of the Beatles all of my life, but I only really got into them during the summer I turned fifteen. I listened to A Hard Day's Night in its entirety twice when I found the CD in the car on a long drive, and I thought it was the greatest thing I'd ever heard. It was lively and energetic. It had strong, somehow life affirming harmonies. There isn't a song on that album that I don't like. Listening to it, I realized that George was my favorite. It was something about his singing. While he may not have the most technically good voice, there was something about it that I really liked. I almost want to say he sounds relaxed or laid back. It's hard to describe, but I felt like I had a distinct insight into his personality.

Shortly after these discoveries, Kira introduced me to A Hard Day's Night the film. A full on obsession commenced. (I remember in shame how I couldn't distinguish who was who on the DVD cover at the time. How things have changed.) Through the wonder that is the internet, I did research. I downloaded all of their music. I looked at pictures. I read interviews. I watched old footage. I learned which songs were on which albums, and who wrote what. I was soon able to tell whether a Lennon/McCartney song was written primarily by Lennon or McCartney. I became so familiar with the band that I can now pick out each singer's voice distinctly in three part harmonies. This stuff didn't take place in a stalker-ish frenzy. It came about gradually over time due to an insatiable curiosity about a band, about music, about an era that I was drawn to but didn't get to experience at the height of its glory.

Jump ahead four years or so to last Wednesday night just before eight o'clock. I am seated to the left of Kira in an uncomfortable, non-roomy seat in the Fenway stands engulfed in sticky August heat, and the excitement is finally starting to kick in.

And then out walks Paul.

Dressed in a purple-y blue suit vaguely reminiscent of the ones the Beatles wore at Shea Stadium, Paul and his band play "Drive My Car." The entire audience is standing, and I try to ground myself and focus on this exact moment in time. Watching the band on the big screens felt too much like watching them on TV, but they were too tiny and far away to watch directly on stage, and binoculars didn't help much. I settled for watching the screens, but I had to keep reminding myself: This is really Paul. Right here, right now. That is one half of one of the greatest songwriting powerhouses of this century. That is one quarter of The Beatles. What you are seeing are the facial expressions Paul McCartney is making at this exact moment, only a baseball diamond's length away from you.

(Allow me to digress upon that whole songwriting powerhouse thing for a moment and talk about A Hard Day's Night. Picture this: You and your band are going to be in a film about yourselves. You and your buddy are given a week to write an album's worth of songs for the soundtrack. And you do it. And none of them suck. Utterly fantastic.)

Paul took off his jacket after the first song, presumably because it was so freakin' hot out, revealing red suspenders. Paul is one of two people who can pull off wearing red suspenders without looking like a douche. (The second is John Barrowman.) Then they played "Jet." Apparently, the band Jet named themselves after this song. (Kira and I were lucky enough to see Jet play live, and meet the lead singer, back in July. It was a good summer for us, as far as concerts go.) I can't remember what songs they played in what order, but whenever they played a Beatles song I pictured John as I think he would have looked in his sixties on stage on one side of Paul doing that bounce-at-the-knees thing he used to do, George kicking ass on lead guitar on the other side with that chilled-out-but-having-fun look on his face, and Ringo as he is today banging away on the drums. My own personal tribute to the Beatles of old.

At one point, Paul told us that the next song was one he wrote for his friend John. At the mention of his name, the entire stadium stood up and gave John a standing ovation that lasted at least a couple of minutes. With damp eyes, a few little sobs escaped from me. I can't think of a not lame way to say, "It was a beautiful moment." Please use your own creativity. Paul seemed a little choked up during the song, but it may have just been my imagination. Afterward he told us it was time to lighten the mood as it was "almost suicidal" and followed that statement with "Dance Tonight." A few songs on, he was handed a ukulele and told us that it was given to him by George. George, too, received a standing ovation, and I found myself with teary eyes for the second time that night. Then Paul proceeded to play "Something." I told Kira I felt like a traitor because I liked this version better. (I adore George, but I don't really care for "Something." "I Need You" and "Here Comes the Sun," on the other hand, are two of my favorites.) He also played "A Day in the Life" and "Give Peace a Chance" back to back. I took it as another tribute to John.

"Live and Let Die," a very cool song on its own, was accompanied by fireworks and FLAMES SHOOTING OUT OF THE STAGE! This display was followed by "Hey Jude." The whole audience sang along, including me. I don't usually sing along, but I thought, "Just this once, be a part of this crowd consciousness." Then I thought, "Fuck the crowd! Take this opportunity to sing along with PAUL MCCARTNEY!" Paul and the band bowed, left, and returned for an encore. They played good stuff, I think it was "Yesterday" and "Day Tripper," then bowed, left again, and returned for a second encore. They ended the show with the reprise of "Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" followed by "The End."

Before I wrap this up, I want to make note of my three favorite Paul quotes from throughout the evening. (I might accidentally paraphrase.):

"That was a bit of Beatles Rock Band. It won't be that big when you get it."
"You'll notice everyone's gone and left me alone with you. It's okay. I kind of like it."
"Look at the moon....It's all part of the lighting design."

The thing about The Beatles is that I don't think they were such a phenomenon because of their talent, their innovations, their good looks, their wit, or their charming personalities. Those things helped, certainly, but I think they made it so big because of something I call Friend Magic. That is, it had to be those four guys exactly. No other combination would have worked as well. Like if Ringo had never replaced Pete Best, or if Jimi Hendrix had played lead guitar instead of George. They brought out the best in each other, and those individual bests combined to make a whole with some mysterious power to make people go crazy over them and their music. The four individuals were keys to a unique musical and cultural treasure. I feel extremely fortunate to have had the chance to be a part of that magic, no matter how small and insignificant my role was.

Rock on, Paul. (And Ringo.)

Nice to meet you. I'm Sam.

What's up?

My friend Kira introduced me to you on Tuesday evening during her cornholing discussion, and I, too, have thoughts. While she wrote her first ever blog post, an idea occurred to me: twin blogs. This means the following.

1. Kira and I both have blogs.
2. We know each other.

Seeing as Kira and I spend a good deal of time together, I imagine our twin blogs will often comment on the same events/people/places, but I assure you that we are not plagiarizing each other's material.

It is also worth mentioning that I am into a lot of geeky things. My picture, for example, was taken in the room of a hotel where a Lord of the Rings convention was being held. And if you look closely under all that jewelry, you can see the Lost numbers on my T-shirt. So I think I'm going to try to make the focus of my posts geek stuff, just to give my ramblings some direction. However, I think I shall start with something decidedly badass.